my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
