Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
