Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
