last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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