Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
