im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
