I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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