yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
