According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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