how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
