he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
