my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
