weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
