Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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