I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
