The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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