I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
