home. puking in laundry basket.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
