I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
