ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
