Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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