This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
