just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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