She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
