last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
