I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
