when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
