The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
