Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
