Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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