you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need a beard to bite.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
