found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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