R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My penis needs a shock collar
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
