remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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