you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
