You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
