I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
