My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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