He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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