y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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