I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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