everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
