We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
