you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
