Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
