I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
