I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
