in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
