Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
