my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
