Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
