I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
