this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
