I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
